Building Friendships
Depending on your teen's interest in friendships and relationships, here are some tips and information to support them.
To start with, help them understand the basics of friendship, such as there are different levels of friends and different places we meet friends. It takes time to develop friendships, to move beyond acquaintances where they just say “Hi, how are you” to another student or co-worker. Remind them that they may meet potential friends in different places like your neighbors or at an activity a potential friend enjoys.
Conversation Basics
- Practice conversation starters. What comes in the middle? How do you close?
- Take turns talking and listening to the other person. Know when it’s time to stop talking and when the conversation is coming to an end.
- How much to share in a conversation with who.
- Learn how to not misread the social cues. Social skills training - looking for body language and words being used. This may vary depending on culture.
- Understand the challenge of literal thinking and perspective taking. Learn cues for how the other person is feeling.
Understanding and Developing Friendships
These are essential skills and issues your teen will need to develop and understand that you, professionals, school and other relatives can help with:
- Ideas for how to find friends such as activities or common interests, and what are clues someone seems interested in talking to them or being their friend.
- Friendships bring companionship and fun but also hurt feelings, a friendship ending or someone mad at them.
- How to handle someone not wanting to be their friend.
- How to respond politely directly to someone who wants to be friends with them who they don’t want to be friends with.
- Social communication may look different for autistic people, such as making eye contact can feel overwhelming. Neurotypical and neuro-diverse teens need to learn ways to communicate in ways that work for autistic teens and be flexible and understanding.
- How to understand who is a friend vs acquaintance and that friendship takes time to develop. Is this someone they can depend on and confide in safely? Or do they just play sports or do a particular activity in the same group?
- How not to get taken advantage of, such as someone acting like their friend to get their help with their homework.
- Ask your teen about different teens they find interesting and encourage them to ask them to hang out together. You can help your teen practice conversation topics like “What is Sue interested in that you could ask her about?” Ask your teen what they might like to do when they get together to have different potential activities ready to choose from.
We will be adding articles about sexuality, dating and relationships to the Milestones Autism Planning (MAP) Tool later in 2022.
Safety Issues and Friendship
Discuss safety issues with your teen like what to do if their friend suggests something that they are not comfortable with or makes them feel like they are being taken advantage of. How should they respond if someone seems inappropriate?
If they start using social media make sure they understand safety issues like never giving their name, address or school name. Never meet people in person they don’t know in real life without asking their parents or guardian.
Be aware that they may be exposed to pornography or potentially abusive people on the internet including YouTube, or online gaming which may have live chat. Safety precautions you can take include having parental filters, blocking sites that are questionable, and trying to monitor your child’s use of devices and the internet but we know it’s difficult.
Social isolation is a form of bullying like inviting everyone in the class but the autistic child to a party.
Friendship and Risk of Bullying and Being Taken Advantage Of
Autistic teens can find it challenging to understand what a friend versus an acquaintance is and who is a safe person they can trust in which ways. You might help them think about it as if they felt scared or sad, who could they trust? Who is supportive and makes them feel happy?
Autistic teens are at risk of being teased, bullied or taken advantage of for their things, money or to try to get them to do something such as doing the homework or writing a paper for the “friend.”
They may face discrimination from other kids or from adults, in other words judging them and not seeing them as a person with feelings and great potential. Autistic teens are more likely to be too compliant. They may be too likely to easily say yes to things without thinking about whether it was OK for someone to ask them to do something or whether they really want to do it. They may be very agreeable to whatever another teen asks them to do because they think this person is their friend.
Additional Resources on Bullying
An Autism Perspective on Bullying: Creating a Culture of Acceptance
Children's Safety Network Bullying Prevention Resource Guide
Bullying Legal Rights from the Milestones Legal Tool Kit
Strategies for Teens Who Are More Impacted
These are strategies that can help build communication skills for teens who are more impacted. Finding ways to communicate that works for each teen gives them a way to share what they need, want and feel.
Use visual supports such as picture charts or assistive devices if appropriate to help your teen practice social communication. For example, picture charts of different fruits, or activities to help your teen express what they want to eat or do. Autistic teens are often visual learners and respond well to visuals. For more information, check out the Milestones Visual Supports Tool Kit.
When you’re doing different activities you can tell your teen what you are doing to help them learn. Let your teen know where you are planning to go and to set expectations and what they can and can’t do.
Talk regularly with your teen even if they do not speak. Having a conversation even though it is more one-sided can help engage and teach them.
Additional Resources
Building Relationships page on the Milestones Website
