Handling or better yet preventing challenging behaviors can feel overwhelming when you’re trying to get through the day and help your child achieve goals. While we know our autistic children may struggle with communication, sensory issues, transitions and changes in routine, we need strategies to deal with difficult behavior.

The Difference Between a Tantrum and a Meltdown

Whether or not they are autistic, young children often move quickly from happy to sad or mad and back again. Tantrums with crying, stomping feet, throwing things or screaming by a typical preschooler may be the result of not being able to express their feelings and needs before they get out of control.

The difference between a tantrum and meltdown is when it's a tantrum if the child were to get what they wanted they will calm down. A tantrum resolves after the child gets what they want or if you outlast them.

A meltdown isn’t about getting something they want. It serves a different purpose. A meltdown is an overwhelming emotional outburst of behaviors caused by an inability to communicate. It comes from a child’s inability to self-regulate, which means the ability to handle emotions and behaviors in a given situation. A meltdown happens when a child has been over-stimulated, often with one or more of their senses (sound, sight, touch, smell, taste) intensely overloaded. The child is too burnt out to keep going.

Everyone needs a way to communicate and share their feelings and needs. Many autistic children start speaking later than neurotypical kids, and when they speak they may be more literal in how they express their thoughts. They may be able to share what they are feeling through nonverbal gestures like pointing at something they want or shaking their head yes or no. Or when those gestures fail, they may have a meltdown as a way to share what they are feeling.

Understanding the sensory issues that cause autistic people to experience higher intensity sound, touch, light/seeing, smell or taste can help you watch for what may set off a meltdown.

Children may express frustration in different ways when they can’t communicate it clearly. We outline here a process and strategies you can use along with seeking support from the Milestones free autism Helpdesk and professionals. The approaches you might use with a neurotypical child may not work with an autistic child. For example with a typical 3 year old, we might say “We don’t hit other children. We keep our hands down.” However with an autistic 3 year old who may not understand your words this will not work.

The Process

The first step is to figure out why your child is behaving the way they are. Think about what happens before, during and after a stressful situation to help you understand what causes the behavior.

First, focus on what happens right before the behavior. This is your clue as to why they are behaving that way. And a first step to figuring out what to do to change that behavior.

Watch your child at home and ask their teacher, day care provider, therapist or caregivers what is happening when they are with your child. Are there changes in routine, interactions with other children or things happening at certain times or places? Is the behavior you’re worried about happening in those other settings with other people?

Talk to your child’s doctor or dentist to see if a medical condition may be contributing. For example, covering their mouth because of a toothache or covering their ears because they have ear pain from an ear infection. Are there dietary or GI (gastrointestinal) issues that could be contributing? The Co-existing Conditions page provides more information about various physical and mental health conditions.

Once a medical reason has been ruled out, you will want to figure out the reason for the behavior.

Different Strategies Can Help with Different Situations

If you think a sensory issue such as bright lights, loud sounds, taste of their toothpaste or the smell of the shampoo you’re using caused a meltdown, try to address it by changing or removing the sensory overload problem item or issue.

Rule out the most obvious issues like sensory or medical before thinking about how to respond to the behaviors.

Help your child identify when they're getting overwhelmed and coping strategies, so they start to build that self-awareness. It starts early with identifying how they’re feeling. Are they excited, scared, mad, sad? Point to a picture of a face with the expression. Use photos of them, family members and teachers. Teach them to ask for help when something is difficult.

If they seem overwhelmed or tired, try a calming approach to separate them from the stressful situation. Offer them the opportunity to go back to the activity when they have calmed down. For example, turning down the lights if you are at home. Whispering, speaking calmly.

If you’re out, pull them aside for some quiet time on a bench to calm down and offer a snack. Going back to the activity teaches that taking a break can be helpful. It shows your child that using coping skills can allow them to go back to something they can enjoy.

Tips for Behavior: Transitions and Preparing for Activities

Transitions are challenging for young children, so give cues like “We’re leaving in 10 minutes.” “First we will do this, then we will do that.” Children may get impatient or may not understand what time it is. You could use a child friendly timer or timer app that shows when the red or the dog disappears as the time changes colors or characters. You can also use a song or a timer on your phone that plays a song. For older children you can tell them the time the activity will be over.

Give them a few picture cards for different choices to give them a sense of control and to learn to make decisions. Or if there are things you need to do, offer them a choice of what order you will do them if you have that flexibility.

If the behavior happens with a new activity, place or people consider that autistic children often struggle with or don’t seek out new activities. New can be challenging. Before preschool, kindergarten or an activity starts, visit the classroom or activity location when it’s less busy so your child can get a feel for what it is like.

Over time test out different strategies to help your child cope starting with preparing them for an activity. You can prime your child in a number of ways, which means preparing them for what to expect and basics for how to handle an activity or situation. A helpful tool is a social story, which is a story with images that shows an activity or situation that you want to teach.

Preparing and practicing before an activity could include going to a matinee or shop at a quieter time to build that routine, depending on your circumstances and schedule. Make it fit your life and schedule.

We Are Here to Help

Contact the Milestones free autism Helpdesk for information or book an Individual or Family Consultation to help you make a customized action plan based on your unique needs.

If you need help, there are many evidence based approaches that the Milestones Helpdesk can connect you with. Consider consulting with your school team as well as a specialist who can help you further assess the reasons for the behavior and develop a behavior plan. Specialists include a Board-Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA), Speech and Language Pathologist, Developmental Pediatrician or Psychologist. BCBAs specialize in Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) which is the science of human behavior. Using specific approaches, they will assess and analyze a behavior and then develop a treatment plan. For more information on ABA or to find a local BCBA, visit the BACB website or contact the Milestones Helpdesk.