Managing Challenging Behaviors in Children: Causes and Strategies

Handling or better yet preventing challenging behaviors can feel overwhelming when you’re trying to get through the day and help your child achieve goals. While we know our autistic children may struggle with communication, sensory issues, transitions and changes in routine, we need strategies to deal with difficult behavior.

School can pose stress of learning, homework, peer relationships and sensory overload. The transition to middle school brings a lot of changes that can increase stress. As your child approaches puberty, consider the hormones and body changes they are going through and be sure to prepare them. Note that puberty is happening at an earlier age. We will be adding articles about sexuality, dating and relationships to the Milestones Autism Planning (MAP) Tool later in 2022.

The Difference Between a Tantrum and a Meltdown

All children get frustrated, angry or upset and they may act out and have a tantrum. Tantrums with crying, stomping feet or screaming may be the result of not getting something they want.

The difference between a tantrum and meltdown is when it's a tantrum if the child were to get what they wanted they will calm down. A tantrum resolves after the child gets what they want or if you outlast them.

A meltdown isn’t about getting something they want. It serves a different purpose. A meltdown is an overwhelming emotional outburst of behaviors caused by an inability to communicate. It comes from a child’s inability to self-regulate, which means the ability to handle emotions and behaviors in a given situation. A meltdown happens when a child has been over-stimulated, often with one or more of their senses (sound, sight, touch, smell, taste) intensely overloaded. The child is too burnt out to keep going.

Everyone needs a way to communicate and share their feelings and needs. Many autistic children start speaking later than neurotypical kids, and when they speak they may be more literal in how they express their thoughts. They may be able to share what they are feeling through nonverbal gestures like pointing at something they want or shaking their head yes or no. Or when those gestures fail, they may have a meltdown as a way to share what they are feeling.

Understanding the sensory issues that cause autistic people to experience higher intensity sound, touch, light/seeing, smell or taste can help you watch for what may set off a meltdown.

Children may express frustration in different ways when they can’t communicate it clearly. We outline here a process and strategies you can use along with seeking support from the Milestones free autism Helpdesk and professionals.

The approaches you might use with a neurotypical child may not work with an autistic child. For example, school aged children may struggle with taking something from other children because they don’t realize it’s not appropriate after preschool to share everything like you do with toys in preschool and kindergarten. Or they may leave the classroom if they are frustrated or mad without letting the teacher know in the appropiate way.

If there’s a particular challenge they are experiencing at home or school, a social story can be a great way to address their communication needs and behavior. A social story could be how to ask for a break rather than leaving when you’re mad and where are safe places to go.

The Process

The first step is to figure out why your child is behaving the way they are. Think about what happens before, during and after a stressful situation to help you understand what causes the behavior.

First, focus on what happens right before the behavior. This is your clue as to why they are behaving that way. And a first step to figuring out what to do to change that behavior.

Watch your child at home and ask their teacher, interventionist, therapist and caregivers what is happening when they are with your child. Are there changes in routine, interactions with other children or things happening at certain times or places? Is the behavior you’re worried about happening in those other settings with other people?

Talk to your child’s doctor or dentist to see if a medical condition may be contributing. For example, covering their mouth because of a toothache or covering their ears because they have ear pain from an ear infection. Are there dietary or GI (gastrointestinal) issues that could be contributing? The Co-existing Conditions page provides more information about various physical and mental health conditions.

Once a medical reason has been ruled out, you will want to figure out the reason for the behavior.

Different Strategies Can Help with Different Situations

If you think a sensory issue such as bright lights, loud sounds, taste of their toothpaste or the smell of the shampoo you’re using caused a meltdown, try changing or removing the sensory overload problem item or issue.

Rule out the most obvious issues like sensory or medical before thinking about how to respond to the behaviors.

If your child seems overwhelmed or tired, give them a number of cards and show them they can turn one in to ask for a break.

Help your child identify when they're getting overwhelmed and coping strategies, so they start to build that self-awareness. Teach them to ask for help when something is difficult.

Use calming approaches like gently saying, "Let’s try to calm down our body, let’s breathe together."

Getting Help from School

Whatever you do next, make sure you are talking with your school team so they can help you. They may be able to connect you with a behaviorist and other resources. You can include goals and strategies for challenging behaviors and sensory issues in your child’s Individualized Education Program (IEP). In addition your child can have a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) at school. To get one you would need to request a Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA).

Tips for Changing Behavior

Give them different choices to give them a sense of control and to learn to make decisions. Or if there are things you need to do, offer them a choice of what order you will do them if you have that flexibility.

If their behavior is to gain attention, teach appropriate ways to get attention, and ignore them when they’re trying to get your attention the wrong way.

Try to replace the behavior with something more appropriate. Reward appropriate ways of gaining attention immediately by providing the desired request if possible.

Preparation for School or Activities

If the behavior happens with a new activity, place or people consider that autistic children often struggle with or don’t seek out new activities. New can be challenging. Before each school year or an activity starts, visit the classroom or activity location when it’s less busy so your child can get a feel for what it is like.

Over time test out different strategies to help your child cope starting with preparing them for an activity. You can prime your child in a number of ways, which means preparing them for what to expect and basics for how to handle an activity or situation. A helpful tool is a social story, which is a story with images that shows an activity or situation that you want to teach.

Preparing and practicing before an activity could include going to a matinee or shop at a quieter time to build that routine, depending on your circumstances and schedule. Make it fit your life and schedule.

Milestones Autism Planning (MAP) Tool

Managing Challenging Behaviors in Children: Causes and Strategies